15 Things Bearded Men Hear All The Time

December 13, 2019

So you’ve made the decision to stop shaving and grow a luscious beard? Welcome to manhood. And while the fledgling scruff on your face probably isn’t turning any heads just yet, people are eventually going to start saying a lot of stupid things they think are terribly clever. Most of them will be questions.

In order for you to keep ahead of the curve, I’m going to fill you in on some of the things I, as a beardsman, hear all the time. This way, you’ll have time to craft witty responses before your beard becomes an occasional idiot magnet.

1. Can I touch it?

In most cases, only the fairer sex will ask. Depending on the setting, you have a couple of options here. In a workplace, for instance, you probably don’t want to reach for your fly when a girl asks you this question.

But let’s face it—beards are lady pleasers. Go ahead, give her a treat and let her touch it.

“I guess so, but don’t fall in love. This beard is a gift to all womankind.”

2. Isn’t it hot?

“Thank you for noticing. Oh, you mean temperature. Actually, it keeps the face cooler in the summer, and warmer in the winter.”

The best part of this response is that it’s true. In the summer, it shades your face. Meantime, it’s also protecting the skin beneath from harmful UV rays. In the winter, it acts as a natural insulator on a part of the body that’s typically exposed and prone to losing heat.

3. How long did it take?

“It took me [insert the age when you began] years to become a man and start growing a beard.”

4. Is it gross when you blow your nose?

“It’s gross when anyone blows their nose.”

This was actually a big concern for me when I first started out. I was afraid I’d end up with a mustache full of snot whenever I blew my nose. But it turned out not to be an issue.

5. Doesn’t it get in the way when you’re eating?

“Nothing stands between me and a meal.”

To be honest, though, the mustache can be a problem from time to time. And you might get some food debris caught in your beard. It’s always a good idea to hit a restroom after eating and do a quick touchup in front of a mirror. A beard comb will rake out any crumbs that may have accumulated down there. And if you’ve eaten something particularly messy, like stuff dripping with sauce, disaster may strike on rare occasion, and you may need to give your bristles a little rinse and apply a fresh coat of oil. Most of the time, though, eating really won’t be issue.

6. Is it hard to keep it clean?

“No, I believe in taking a shower every day.”

By now, you probably already know you shouldn’t wash your beard every day (once or twice a week with a good beard shampoo is plenty). But that doesn’t mean a thorough rinse in the shower isn’t keeping it clean on all the other days. Your beard oil regimen will keep it looking and smelling nice.

7. Doesn’t it itch?

“It ain’t got time to itch.”

Think Jesse Ventura in “Predator.”

8. Does it itch or tickle a girl when you kiss?

“Depends on where I’m kissing her.”

9. Doesn’t it keep you from getting a good job?

“Have you ever had a good job? Define good.”

A beard has never stood in the way for me. Now, it can be an issue if you’re in the food industry.

Even though beard nets are used effectively in places like breweries, some places simply don’t want their clientele seeing a big beard and thinking whiskers are going to wind up in their food.

You don’t want to work in a place like that anyway. Having a long, full beard and being professional are not mutually exclusive. Dress and behave appropriately. Let your experience, performance and demeanor back up the beard.

10. You should shave it. I’ll bet you’re really handsome under there.

“I am handsome under here, but no thanks. It’s adorable that you’re not into beards.”

11. I saw something on the internet about how beards are full of poop. Gross.

“Go back to Reddit.”

This is what happens when TV reporters are more interested in driving ratings with nonsense than being accurate.

It all started in Albuquerque in 2015, when a local news report falsely claimed fecal bacteria had been found in beards during a “study” lacking any scientific rigor by some talking head fumbling to advance beyond the 44th television market.

Swabs were taken from the beards of a handful of men, then sent to a lab for analysis. The microbiologist’s results indicated that some of the microbes found were bacteria that typically live in the intestines. From there, the leap was made that beards are covered in poop.

“There’s nothing in my beard that’s not on your bare face.”

12. Did you lose your razor?

“No, I got hungry and ate it.”

13. Are you homeless?

“Hurr durr. No, I’ve always got a bed to sleep in at your girlfriend’s.”

14. Do you watch Duck Dynasty?

“No, I think it’s insulting when millionaires go on TV and pretend to be real people.”

15. It’s so soft!

By now, she’s into it. Don’t ruin it by talking.

But ladies often do seem surprised at how soft a longer beard is. They naturally expect wiry, coarse bristles, but they’re pleasantly surprised when they learn how silky it actually feels.

Keep your mane nourished with beard oil, or else it will be the rough, prickly bale of hay she’s expecting.